Heart vs. Head – worst battle ever (#2). Giving up yourself for someone you love with all your heart… worth it? So here’s this letter I might never send.

Becca,

I honestly don’t know where to start because this is a bomb I’m dropping, so I might as well just begin. Aaron is not who you think he is. The armor of your sword-wielding man isn’t shiny at all. I, I have never been so confused before like I am right now, or like I have been for a long time by now. I don’t know what the right thing to do is, not for me, and not for you. But if I don’t want to give up everything I ever believed in, the right thing is honesty. Finally. And I am sorry it is me who has to tell you, the other one who could have told you apparently never had the balls for it. So here is my story.

I moved into this house because there were two guys, both with girlfriends, and it seemed like it could be a lot of fun. I felt attracted to Aaron, but I had my boyfriend back home and he had you. So I would get over that. Or maybe not, because what started off as a friendship turned into flirting, teasing. I guess I knew where that would end all along, but I wasn’t willing to admit it to myself. Then, on September 7th when I got my driver’s license, at night the three of us had some drinks. You went to bed early, Aaron and I stayed up, had some more drinks. Maybe you remember how pissed I was at B. that day. Turned out, Aaron wasn’t really happy either. He told me you are against sex before marriage, that it’s not like you’re doing nothing but only rarely and without any passion, and that your relationship has no future. That he just wants to get home after work and fuck his girlfriend. And yes, that is exactly what he said. I thought this is a man who deals with the consequences of his actions. I thought that for a really long time… or let’s say I wanted to think so, and he proved me wrong every single time. We talked about all that for a while, then there were helicopters outside, he went looking, and we ended up sitting by the pool.

That’s when he said let’s go for a swim. I don’t know what he will tell you, but if it is that I seduced him, then that is not true. We both knew what would happen, I gave him a chance to back out and said it was a bad idea. He didn’t care. And to be honest, I didn’t care either. I just wanted to forget all the problems back home, lose myself for one night. And I did, I never felt such a passion before. What I didn’t know was that that passion was about to continue until he leaves for the Navy, make me fall in love and finally break my heart, all the time leaving me at a place where I don’t recognize myself anymore. We were playing in the pool for a while. We were not drunk anymore when we finally kissed, and he blew me off my feet. No one ever kissed me like that before. He told me several times he wasn’t drunk anymore. Turned out he felt better telling himself he was drunk a few months later, but truth is, even if he was, it doesn’t matter. You could justify that first night we kissed as a mistake, maybe even the first time we slept together. But definitely not a second relationship he had that was going on for more than half a year, that would have continued to go on if he hadn’t left for the Navy and I finally set him a limit to tell you a few weeks ago.

The next morning, you left and we went to Balboa Park to continue where we left off the night before. I knew it wouldn’t be just kissing soon, so I broke up with B. on Sunday. I told him everything. I knew if I loved him how I should love him I would never have kissed Aaron. But I did love him, and he deserved my honesty. Lying to him, no matter if that serious or not, would have been completely against my nature. Aaron broke up with you the very same day, but he didn’t tell you the truth. We slept together the first time on Monday. We spent the next day in Santa Monica, he even told you he was there with me. He just didn’t tell you what he was doing there with me. Then a seagull shat on his head and he started laughing… that was when I realized there would be way more than passion if I’m not really careful. I couldn’t be careful. I told him I might fall for him a few days later, told him to leave if he was about to break my heart. He said he thinks he made a mistake breaking up with you. I told him if he wants to get back together with you he has to be honest with you, I already didn’t understand why he wasn’t honest with you in the first place. There was his birthday party on Friday, the next morning he told me you were back together. I asked him if he told you the truth, he said he didn’t, but he will soon. Well, he never did. He built your relationship anew on nothing but lies. I felt cheated on too, he got what he wanted for a few days in a row and then seemed to think he could just act like nothing happened. I already had feelings for him. I kissed him, he kissed me back. Probably that’s when I ended up in this emotional rollercoaster, I should have made him tell you and leave. But I believed he would tell you soon, and as selfish as it is, I thought I could as well enjoy a few more days with him. Stupid me.

The morning you left for Sequoia he said that if he could go back to just being friends with you he’d do that. I thought he was scared of losing his best friend, not his girlfriend. But I never understood why he got back together with you in the first place while he wasn’t willing to be honest with you. I never wanted to believe he is such a selfish coward.

One month after everything started, when I told him I can’t be his second choice anymore while he is my first, he told me we cannot be more than friends anymore. My world broke down with that one sentence, but I was willing to do it for him. One hour later, he kissed me again. I’d like to say I could resist, but I just couldn’t. One week later, he told me we cannot be more than friends anymore. I was willing to try another time, for him, not for me. I told my mom it’s over… and from then on, I didn’t keep her up to date since I knew she wouldn’t understand, she would judge the man I love, and all I would do was disappoint her. One week later, and it was the night where he played with his band in the bar, he fell asleep in my bed after the gig and I didn’t really want to wake him up. He did wake up in the middle of the night, kissing me as if there was no tomorrow… I just couldn’t turn him down, I wanted him. It was him who seduced me those two times. It was like every time I thought I could live with being friends and move on, he changed his mind, and with that broke down everything I built up within that little time… which is why it got harder for me every single time. The third time he started talking about that friendship thing, I just stared at him in disbelief. I agreed, but I wasn’t willing to try anymore. I knew what would happen when I was ready to move on. I wasn’t willing to hope it could work out anymore. That’s when we finally got stuck. And I was head over heels in love, it was too late for me to walk away.

I was honest with B., my family, my friends. Aaron continued lying, and made me lie for him, always telling me he will tell you soon. I lied for him because I love him, and it always should have been him who tells you. Lately, I think he knew exactly what cards to play on me to get me where he wanted me. He told me if he tells you he will move out and couldn’t talk to me anymore then. I was scared of losing the only one I had here, the only one who was there for me. I was alone in a foreign country, and very vulnerable, with my heart in his hands. I know this is no excuse, and I don’t say that as one. But in the end, those are the reasons I went along with him.

I will be awfully honest with you, so you know what kind of man you are dealing with. I never saw a sense in telling half truths just so it doesn’t hurt that much. I’d rather know the whole truth. Also, it seems more reasonable to believe someone you’ve known for fifteen years instead of me, who you barely know at all.
He sneaked out of the room on the weekends when you were asleep to see me. One time you woke up when he got back and asked him why he was so warm. I don’t remember what answer he gave you, but he came from my room and I had my heater on. Same thing several times when you took a bath or were in the shower. On Thanksgiving, on the way to your house, he parked the car somewhere and I gave him a blowjob. We went to have breakfast many Sundays while you were in church, and most of the time we ended up in bed after that… before he left, or before you came over again.
I always thought one day you would just look at me and know. I squirmed every single time you looked at me. I don’t know how I managed pretending at all, and I’m anything but proud of it. I always thought if he doesn’t tell you you would find out sooner or later since he told me you’ve been cheated on before. I guess that’s what we call trust. I slept in his bed every night you weren’t there. He washed his sheets so many Fridays so you don’t see the white spots. And honestly, I didn’t know why no one in the house got suspicious, Brendan saw us leaving together, or me in Aaron’s room so many times. Turned out he knew something was going on the whole time. I talked to him a couple of days ago. I always told Aaron I wouldn’t lie for him if someone asks me, no matter who that someone is. Aaron and I spent an evening out somewhere, mostly Santa Monica, normally once every week. I don’t know what his excuses for you were, and I didn’t care.

Then, in December, Aaron told me he has to buy a Christmas present for me. I told him I don’t want him to buy me something, I’d rather spend a weekend away with him. On Christmas morning, I was lying in bed next to him when he sent you your ‘Merry Christmas, angel’ text message. He didn’t know I saw it, and I didn’t say anything, it just hurt incredibly much. I got an ‘angel’ some times, too. Now I knew I wasn’t the only one. San Diego. It wasn’t his dad he went to San Diego with, it was me. I think I still have the hotel booking confirmation somewhere from when he e-mailed it to me, if you don’t believe me. I think his dad didn’t even know. His mom did, he told her he was going down there with me so I can see a friend and that he told you he’s going there with his dad to not cause any trouble. He needed an alibi in case you stopped by at his house, and I have no idea what the heck he told Laura so she bought it. But I thought that’s it, she will ask his dad how San Diego was. Obviously, you never did. San Diego… for the first time, I was myself again. I was happy. We created our own little world for one weekend.

The next Saturday, your friend Joe and girlfriend arrived in the evening. Aaron spent the afternoon with me, and I said “Ich liebe dich”… he said “Ich auch“ for the first time. I was shocked. I didn’t talk about it that day anymore. He spent both nights in my bed, waking up early in the morning to sneak to the couch so no one would find out. I wasn’t really sure if he knew what he said to me, so I asked him if he meant what he said the next day. He said yes without even asking what I’m talking about. Love… love is a promise. I thought now things are going to change, he will finally tell you. I found out in his case it doesn’t change anything the very same day. But his words changed everything for me. I wanted more than that. How could he say those words to me before figuring it out… I don’t know. I didn’t get how you can be in love with two people at the same time, how you actually really can think you are, and honestly, I still don’t get it. He always said he’s living two separate lives. I guess you were his comfort zone while I was his adventure. I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter anymore. But fact is that the man who you think loves only you at least shared his heart for a long, long time.

The week before you went to Rome he told you he will drive to Palm Springs to see his relatives before he leaves. He told you that on that the very same day. I couldn’t believe how brazen his lies were and that he actually got along with them. Hell no, it wasn’t Palm Springs. You were supposed to leave for Fresno on Saturday, so he had promised me we will go to Disneyland and spend the night in a hotel. He had to come up with an excuse when your trip got cancelled, and he did. We drove down to Newport Beach on Friday.
For what reason do you think he came up with a lame excuse to sleep at your place the night before you left for Rome? I told him I couldn’t deal with you being here. In Rome, he found out his leave date was March 10th, so I asked him if we can spend two more nights somewhere before he leaves, aware of that the few days left might be the last days I see him and that after he left I might never see him again. We got a rental car February 27th since his car was dead and mine not trustworthy, and left late at night after he got back from Simi Valley where you were with your friends’ grandma. At least he told me that, who knows if that was true. We spent two nights in Orange County.

His last week he was here every night except for Friday. After his bed was gone, he slept in mine. On Friday, he came here after he left you. He had told me that he didn’t want to make me wait… but he never said I had no reason to wait. We had feelings for each other after all. So I asked him if he would give me a chance if we still have feelings for each other after those three months, and he said yes. How could I not wait? I wrote to him every evening, breaking down more and more. I couldn’t live with that uncertainty. My family came here, my brother knew everything, but my parents only felt something was wrong. I suck at pretending, especially in front of the people who know me the best. I filled my parents in after my mom said it can’t be worse than feeling like I won’t talk to them anymore when I’m hurt. They surprised me and tried to understand. I felt such a relief, now that my parents knew the truth.

In the end, this was not just an affair. It was a relationship, which is why I think it would not be fair to not tell you at all. All this time I thought that if Aaron didn’t want me, he would leave me. What I should have thought is that if he wanted me, he would leave you. Aaron played with two hearts for a very, very long time. I put photographs in here so you know I am telling the truth, not to hurt you more than I have to… And every picture I could take between September and the day he left, I only could take because he was there with me. Santa Monica, Griffith, Malibu, San Diego, Disneyland, Orange County, Santa Monica again and again and again. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for those memories, although I am broken now. The few whole days we had together… we made them count knowing that it is probably exactly that. I will always remember. In your eyes, I am an ice cold bitch, and I totally deserve that. That doesn’t change that I did all that because I loved him. I still do. I rather suffered incredible pain than lose him. I was hurting for a really, really long time and I don’t know how the fuck I ended up in that painful situation. I don’t know why I did that to you, I don’t know why I did that to myself. For the first time in my life I feared the weekends, and today, I don’t know how I managed it to put up with you being here almost every weekend. He knew how much it hurt me, and I don’t know how or why he expected something so inhumane from me instead of just being honest or moving out. I slowly start to realize I should have told you a long time ago… for your sake, and for my sake. But he always had the right words when I was hurt, or mad, or desperate. When I told him he finally has to tell you or I would. I didn’t know why he wouldn’t just leave, all I was was a weak shell of who I used to be. Nothing one can care about. He managed it perfectly well to make me believe everything was my fault, and he only did it for me. By now, I know that words don’t count much compared to actions. I should never have been afraid of losing someone who treats me like that, of losing someone who can treat his girlfriend like that, of losing someone who can treat anyone like that. And now here I am, with a heart broken into smaller pieces than ever before, not knowing how I can get up to my feet again, and knowing that this letter will probably leave you at exactly the same place, just way worse. I do feel guilty about that. But I do think you have the right to know. He’s had control over my life for almost ten months, it’s time for me to finally break free and do the right thing… since in some weird way, he is controlling your life too.

I never wanted to live with this lie. I always told him I don’t want to live like that, and I don’t think I can live like that. I always told him to tell you. But he always found excuses to push it, and I wanted to believe he means it when he says he will tell you. I wanted to believe he was a man who stands up for what he does and lives with the consequences. First, it was stress at school, work, the blog. Then it was getting ready for the Navy, and how he couldn’t deal with losing everyone here at home while he is facing the three hardest months of his life. And when I got really mad, he told me the only thing he can’t live with is that he sees how much it breaks me. How could I be mad at him for being hurt because he hurts me. I know, it doesn’t make any sense if you look at it from distance. It hurt me to see how much it hurt him, so I gave in every single time. Then, when there were no excuses anymore, he must have realized I wouldn’t hold this up much longer. He realized he would have to tell you if he doesn’t want me to do it, that his game would be over soon. I was making trouble, getting the best from both worlds finally seemed to end… so he cut me off, told me we messed up, he cares but he can’t act on it anymore, told me he will tell you because I am making him, and that he won’t talk to me again after that. That all I would be is a memory, a reminder of how he messed up… horrible and painful.

I was so disappointed. I told him to not tell you at all if he can square that with his conscience, if he wants to lie to you for the rest of your lives, and if he thinks that’s what love is about, but to not ever contact me again as long as he’s not honest with you. I told him if he cares about you, or me, he would stop lying and finally have the balls to tell you. Guess he cares more about saving his own ass. I didn’t want to make him do something he didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to give him a chance to blame me for that. I haven’t heard from him since. But that day I also realized that I don’t owe him, that you don’t deserve that, and that he doesn’t deserve to get away with it like nothing ever happened… what I deserve or don’t deserve doesn’t matter to me right now. I realized that I can’t do something for him that I can’t square with my conscience at all. I just couldn’t play after his rules anymore. But what was the right thing to do? He always told me he would tell you and I was stupid enough to believe in his words every single time… He said that it would be cruel if I told you… still less cruel than all those lies. But I didn’t want to take that away from him. I gave him two more weeks after I sent him that e-mail… he had all the chances, all the time in the world to tell you. More than nine months, if you look at it like that. Then I finally stopped believing he would ever tell you. I never was so disappointed in someone before, except for myself. I didn’t get how he could do that to you, who he says he cares about… and I didn’t get how he could do that to me, who he said he still cares about as well. I couldn’t look at my face in the mirror anymore, disgusted by myself. I couldn’t lie for him any longer, it was just so incredibly wrong. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. Maybe there is no right choice, and just one that is less wrong. I would never have had to tell you, and it would never have gotten this far, if he was honest with you from the very beginning. So yes, I do blame that on him. I had to consider if I should tell you or not. I didn’t want to continue living with this lie. It ate me up for so long. I can’t live with hating myself for doing something so wrong that suits the man stupid me fell for, even if that means he will hate me forever… which sounds horrible to me. The thought of him hating me breaks my heart even more, but it is unavoidable. But it is not about only him, or only me. Would you want to know? It would crush your entire world… but it already was crushed, you just didn’t know. All I knew is that I definitely would want to know. I’d rather have my world crush down than be with a man who treats me like that, who is able to look at me and lie, lie, and lie, maybe even marry him some day. Being in love with an illusion, kind of. He crossed the line once… once, or many many times, depends how you define that, and he’d probably do it again. Would it be fair to leave you in the unknown? I knew you have all your family and friends who would be there for you. Why would I not tell you? The day I realized the only reason I wouldn’t tell you is that then I know for sure he will blame everything on me, hate me for ending his insane game, and not talk to me ever again, I realized that is no good reason at all. Sadly, I still care about him a lot. So I read many threads on this topic… I knew if I told you it would look like the only reason is revenge, that I want him for myself, or whatever. I know it sounds hypocritical when I say it is none of those reasons, I don’t want revenge, and I don’t want him at all anymore. I wanted a man who I wanted to believe he exists more than anything, an honest one, and it hurt a lot to find out he doesn’t exist in him. Maybe all I was in love with is an illusion. The reason I didn’t tell you all that time is because I didn’t want to hurt him. Why did I not leave? I don’t know. Maybe I was selfish, maybe I was scared to be alone, and maybe I was addicted… and finally, I was incredibly scared of losing him, I said that before. In the end, it doesn’t matter. I can’t come to a conclusion what would be right for me, but I came to the conclusion that the truth is better for you. Every friend I asked, and every woman in those threads said she would want to know, and the ones who have been cheated on said they wished someone would have told them. It is not my place to tell you, but who else could (or would).

Definitions of love differ. I believe he loves you. I even believe he loved me. Truth is, if he loved one of us like he should have, he would never have been with the other one. In the end, what is left for me is the thought that he did all that for himself, it was all about him, and he got the best of both worlds. I made many mistakes, too… I know that, and I admit that. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for it.  I can imagine how much this hurts, and I don’t expect you to understand me. Frankly, I don’t even really understand myself. I never was such an easy girl. I never settled for less. I was kind of innocent, and I never did anything before that comes only close to what I did. I had moral values, and I had and still have a strict definition of right and wrong. I never thought I could be capable of doing something so irresponsible, something so disgusting. Well, I wasn’t really capable of doing it or I would have enjoyed every second of it, which I definitely didn’t. It started with both of us seeing no future in our relationships and ending them… at least I ended mine for good. And then somehow I was never able to quit. I am no quitter. I am a fighter. I fought for what I wanted. Now I am fighting harder than ever before to make things as right as I can, although that is far too late. I don’t have a good explanation for my actions, not for you, and not for me. I am sorry I acted so reckless, so unlike who I used to be and maybe deep in my heart still am. But in the end, it is Aaron who owes you an explanation, and not me.

I was involved, my fault. It was wrong what I did, and still I don’t regret it. But I can’t take the responsibility and blame for every decision he made anymore. I told him how wrong all of this was and that he should tell you too many times. I told him if he keeps lying it will only hurt you much more. Been there, done that. He didn’t listen. And in the end, there I was, the perfect scapegoat. Everything my fault.  And I thought so, too… for a really long time. But it isn’t only me, and it never was. I got caught in this vicious circle and didn’t find an exit. Being with him was like a drug to me. It hurt a lot when he was gone, and it felt amazing when he was with me, despite all those feelings of devastating guilt.

I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry he hurt you. He hurt everyone. But I can’t tell you I’m sorry for falling in love with him, because I just can’t be. I had some beautiful, passionate moments with him. And even if it was a lie, it didn’t seem like one to me at that time. I just can’t regret the few happy moments I had since I came here. Maybe he only used me… but I just can’t believe he did, because ruining a whole relationship for sex doesn’t seem like him. And in that case, he wouldn’t have had to tell me he loves me, because he got the sex either way. But I hate myself for being in this weak position. I hate myself for giving him the chance to break my heart. And I hate myself for not walking away while I still had the chance. I hate myself for doing this to you, and for letting him do that to you. And I hate myself because I still love him after all. I know it doesn’t mean anything, but I really am sorry.

I went through the whole story many, many times in my head… countless times. I didn’t seduce him, and I didn’t beg for him to stay… I really thought I begged, but I didn’t. I told him I don’t want to lose him and it can’t get worse (which was obviously wrong), but he could have been honest with you and leave all the time… no matter what I said to him. I don’t know if he will turn the whole story around, since I always believed he will be honest at some point I feel like I never really knew him. I always believed he will realize how wrong all this is, and that he can’t keep it up forever. Now I think he never considered telling you the truth, thought he could get away with it because I’ll be leaving for Germany anyway. In the end, I’m just a part of his game, and so are you. The difference is that I messed up, and you didn’t. I know I messed up. I feel awful about what I did to you. It is horrible. I can’t change it though. Now, pretending like nothing ever happened might work for him, but it is so unfair to you that it is not working for me. This is not me, and it never was. I’m facing the consequences of my actions, and I faced them a long time ago. Which is why I was finally able to save my friendship with B. It is on you if you want to believe me, and it is on you what you decide to do, but at least now you know.

I wrote this messed-up letter because I thought it is better than telling you face to face, for me, but for you as well. I shouldn’t be the one around when you break down, although you definitely deserve a chance to yell at me. I really hope you have your family somewhere near while reading this. I am sorry, Becca.

N.

P1030461

____________________________________________________________

„Sometimes you have to choose between a bunch of wrong choices
and no right ones.
You just have to choose which wrong choice
feels the least wrong.“

~ von Erdbeere - Mai 4, 2013.

Kommentar verfassen

Trage deine Daten unten ein oder klicke ein Icon um dich einzuloggen:

WordPress.com-Logo

Du kommentierst mit Deinem WordPress.com-Konto. Abmelden /  Ändern )

Google Foto

Du kommentierst mit Deinem Google-Konto. Abmelden /  Ändern )

Twitter-Bild

Du kommentierst mit Deinem Twitter-Konto. Abmelden /  Ändern )

Facebook-Foto

Du kommentierst mit Deinem Facebook-Konto. Abmelden /  Ändern )

Verbinde mit %s

 
%d Bloggern gefällt das: