Cheers to my dilemma.

Take part, world. Judge me, world. Do whatever you want to do, world.


I started questioning everything again… Should I tell her, or should I not? So I finally made a pro contra list:


* he probably won’t tell her himself

* she deserves to know

* she deserves the chance to live a new, honest life

* she loves an illusion of him

* her world is already crushed, she just doesn’t know

* he doesn’t deserve to get away with it

* I deserve it after he told me he will tell her so many times

* I don’t want to live with this lie, and I don’t think I can

* if he cared about me, he would tell her

* I don’t want to play after his rules anymore

* he controlled my actions long enough

* I don’t want to give up my moral values for him

* he is a selfish coward and I shouldn’t care about him at all

* he will hate me for the rest of his life, and never ever talk to me again

* he will hate me for the rest of his life, and never ever talk to me again

* he will make me responsible for all his mistakes and I’ll be the one who messed up

* he will blame me for everything

* he should tell her himself, and I don’t know for 100% sure he won’t

* her world will crush down

* I should start believing in karma

* I don’t want him to think I care

* I would destroy every bit of hope that I have left

* I would destroy all the good memories

* I’m hurt, devastated, broken… I can’t think straight

* letting go gracefully sometimes is better than dropping a bomb

* I love him, I don’t want to ruin his life

…so I guess there I have my answer, right? 😦

I probably won’t ever forgive myself for not telling her, for giving up everything I ever believed is right or wrong, but I guess I couldn’t live with causing him pain at all… this sucks. This sucks incredibly much.


„Sadness presses into me, devastatingly, silently.
I fold my arms across my chest and squeeze, tightly, trying to dispel the pain.
It doesn’t work.
I feel like it’s crushing me, and no one can help me release the pressure“.

~ von Erdbeere - April 29, 2013.

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